By now, it’s old news that People Magazine has named its 2012 Sexiest Man Alive. And, as you probably know but never imagined, it was not me again.
I’m beginning to think the judging panelists are, well, you know, morons. From what my sources tell me (namely, voices in my head), I wasn’t even under consideration this year.
And that’s a little bit of a relief because if the folks at People magazine were aware of me and still passed me over for this obvious honor, that would be beyond comprehensible.
Then the satirical newspaper The Onion picked North Korea’s Kim Jong-Un as its pretend Sexiest Man Alive and the Chinese press picked up on it and thought it was real. I don’t know how that happened. I mean, come on, his name is Kim Jong-Un. As in Kim Jong-UnSexiest man alive. Duh.
But then, it dawned on me. If The Onion can name its own Sexiest Man Alive, then other publications can name theirs as well. I’m trying to figure out my angle here because I don’t really have a publication of my own. I have a website but it’s down right now.
I really couldn’t name myself Sexiest Man Alive, anyway. That wouldn’t be right (or accurate). In order for the honor to mean something, it needs to come from somewhere else.
So I dispatched my posse (again, voices in my head) to find someone who would willingly dispatch this honor upon me. I knew it wouldn’t be difficult. Who wouldn’t want that privilege?
So, after hundreds of e-mails and dozens of phone calls, I finally came across the website www.ThingsNobodyEverWantsToSee.com. They readily agreed that naming me Sexiest Man Alive would work especially well with their agenda.
I asked them if they wanted me to send a few snapshots, perhaps some boudoir portraits, but they declined. They said that while sexy photos of me are among Things Nobody Ever Wants To See, they don’t want to see them, either.
So, finally, I have the designation that I have lobbied so long to achieve. If you’d like to see the proof, simply log onto www.ThingsNobodyEverWantsToSee.com and you’ll not see the same thing everyone is not seeing.
And in a snub to People magazine, as they have snubbed me for years, nobody is talking about my honor, either. It’s like a complete alternate reality (but that’s still a reality).
No photos. No buzz. No trophy. No prize money. No respect. This long-sought honor is beginning to feel a bit anticlimactic.
©Copyright 2012 by David Porter who can be reached at email@example.com (for now ’til the website is fixed). Who the heck is Channing Tatum, anyway?