Hey! You! Yes, you. Sorry. Just trying to get your attention to impart an important warning here. For the next couple weeks, it’s imperative all you good folks out there stay alert and keep your wits about you.
Remove the earbuds, no texting while walking, and you’d be well-advised to brandish a stainless steel umbrella on the street because it’s awards season and golden-plated statuettes are being tossed about like manhole covers during an underground methane explosion.
We’ve made it through the Golden Globes and the Screen Actors Guild Awards, with the Grammy Awards and Oscars right around the corner, so this seems the perfect time to weigh in with the barnacle on the belly of the awards ship: the 15th annual Will Durst Political Animal Awards.
• THE BEST IMPRESSION OF REANIMATED HALLOWEEN PUMPKIN AWARD: And the winner is... oh, forgive me, that’s right, we’re all winners here. The award goes to Kentucky Sen. Mitch McConnell.
• BEST DIRECTION OF A COMEDY: To Mitt Romney’s campaign manager, Matt Rhoades.
• THE HE SHOULD SWITCH TO DECAF AND REALLY SOON AWARD: Vice President Joe Biden.
• COLLATERAL DAMAGE AWARD: Still picking shrapnel out of his widow’s peak, Wisconsin Congressman Paul Ryan.
• THE CLOCK IS TICKING LOUD ENOUGH TO PIERCE EARDRUMS ON A COUPLE DIFFERENT CONTINENTS AWARD: Three-way tie! Hugo Chavez, Fidel Castro and Bashar al-Assad.
• THE YOU CAN GO HOME AGAIN AWARD: To former Gov. Sarah Palin, Fox News’ gain is Alaska’s loss.
• HEART OF A PLUCKED CHICKEN AWARD: To Nevada Sen. Harry Reid for avoiding the alteration of Senate filibuster rules given the opportunity.
• THE IT’S BETTER TO BE LUCKY THAN GOOD AWARD: For the second year in a row, POTUS Barack Obama.
• THE YOUR FIFTEEN MINUTES WERE UP THIRTY MINUTES AGO AWARD: It’s a tie: Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio and Lindsay Lohan.
• THE WHY DOESN’T ANYBODY RETURN MY CALLS ANYMORE AWARD: Karl Rove, and it couldn’t happen to a nicer guy.
• THE YOU CAN KEEP A GOOD MAN DOWN AWARD: Former Massachusetts Sen. Scott Brown.
• THE TAKING SIBLING RIVALRY TO A BRAND NEW LEVEL AWARD: The Harbaugh boys.
• THE H.G. WELLS DATING SERVICE AWARD: Manti Te’o.
• THE HEAD IN THE SAND LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD: The coveted Ostrich goes to executive vice president and CEO of the NRA, Wayne LaPierre.
• THE BEAT A DEAD HORSE UNTIL WE’RE ALL COVERED IN A FINE RED MIST AWARD: Another tie: Sens. Lindsay Graham and John McCain, who remain determined to get to the bottom of Chuck Hagel’s role in Benghazi.
• THE GEORGE HAMILTON TANNING AWARD: For the fourth consecutive year, Speaker of the House John Boehner.
• POP GOES THE WEASEL AWARD: Lance Armstrong.
• THE SISYPHUS AWARD: Marco Rubio, who has been handed sole responsibility for dragging the entire Republican Party across the immigration reform line.
• THE OUT OF THE MOUTH OF BABES AWARD: Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal for suggesting the GOP “stop being the stupid party.”
• THE RIP VAN WINKLE AWARD: To Hillary Clinton for the well-deserved two-year nap she’s about to take.
• And finally, THE CONTINENT OF ATLANTIS AWARD: For the fastest, most complete disappearance in political history, Mitt Romney. They must have powered him down, folded him up and placed him back into the original packaging.
The New York Times says five-time Emmy- nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political comic working in the country today.” E-mail Will at firstname.lastname@example.org.