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Women of Distinction

If I were king

I would provide the peasants with certain rights, privileges

Published: Friday, July 19, 2013 9:32 a.m. CDT

Sometimes you see someone do something so stupid that you think of an equally inappropriate consequence in your head.

For instance, if they cut you off in traffic, they must go before a firing squad. If they bump carts with you in the grocery aisle, a guillotine comes to mind.

Maybe I’m just exceptionally cranky today, but it got me to thinking about what I would do if I were king. What kind of laws would I pass? What hot topics would I put to rest? What rights would I protect and what privileges would I bestow upon the peasants?

Here are a few things you could look forward to if I were king:

• We wouldn’t have a concealed carry gun law. We’d have opencarry. But if someone inappropriately threatened someone else with a gun, the other gun carriers would be obligated to shoot that person on the spot.

• It would be against the law to publicly identify gun owners unless the gun owner has publicly identified himself by way of an NRA sticker on his truck, gun rack in the window, Smith & Wesson security sign on his house, deer antlers on the hood of his truck, a camouflaged mailbox or multiple Facebook rants.

• People would be free to marry whomever they wanted within their own species or with inanimate objects. I mean, if a guy wants to sleep with a toaster every night, did the toaster get hurt? However, there would be no public displays of affection except in appropriately marked theaters and stage shows. • Free basic healthcare would be narrowly defined. No tax-funded silicone implants. However, basic dental care would be included. I know this is liberal heresy but don’t you think we’d all be happier if we had nice teeth?

• Taxes would be simple. You’d simply send me your pay check and I’d send back your cut if there was any.

• I’d fix our immigration problem. Instead of rounding up people who are adept at hiding, we’d take all the politicians who get voted out of office and exile them to Mexico or, if they prefer, Siberia. I think we’d only have to do it a couple of times until the lawmakers still in office figure out they’d better do something that works if they don’t want to spend retirement dodging the cartels or freezing their hanging chads.

• Cars would get 100 miles to the gallon and would be allowed to go 100 mph. Well, my car, anyway.

• Voting would be a mandate but there’d be an IQ test and maybe an informational literacy test beforehand. If you can’t name the current vice president, you don’t need to be voting.

• Our kids would enjoy history class learning about that ancient establishment known as The Great Scourge. Also known as Fox News.

• Pot would be legal but Driving While Stoned would be a serious offense. The field test would consist of having the officer take your car keys and dangle them in front of your face. If you giggle, you’re too high to drive.

• It would be legal for any citizen to harshly kick any butt over the age of 5 that is exposed by sagging britches. Toddlers are exempt — you don’t want to kick those butts; they might be sagging for a reason.

• There would be an established set of “king’s laws.” King’s laws are rules nobody knows about because I’d make them up as I go. Any violation of a king’s law would be punishable by firing squad. That would keep you on your toes, wouldn’t it.

Maybe some of these laws seem unfair and even harsh. But,the premise is not “if I were fair and reasonable.” The premise is “if I were king.”

I really am the king, too. Until the queen gets home.


©Copyright 2013 by David Porter who can be reached at david@ramblinman.us. I used to live in Mt. Vernon, which is known as the King City. Does that count?

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