Now we bore into the bunker that houses the triumphant tea party headquarters, where they are celebrating a tactical victory over the Republicans In Name Only who voted to reopen the government and avoid a global financial meltdown.
“Wussies. Those RINOs don’t represent real Americans. You know who they represent: AINOs. Americans In Name Only. Because only people who believe exactly what we believe deserve to be called real Americans. AINOs should be counted as 3/5s of an American. We and only we are listening to the real heartbeat of this country. Nobody else has the same filter. Which is made out of tinfoil.
“The media keep asking, ‘How does it feel to lose?’ But we didn’t lose. We won. We won by losing. All part of the plan. Because only in losing do real winners hone their skills at winning, whereas real losers just feel normal. Winners never quit. And quitters never win. And winning quitters are like quitting winners: just more banana slugs on the Great Salt Flat with a blown head gasket.
“You know who lost? The so-called leaders of this party lost. The ones who abandoned the good fight in the name of expediency. Who slept with the enemy and will have their heads shaved and be thrown into the street someday. Because there is no negotiating when you’re dealing with the terrorists calling themselves the Democratic Party.
“Oh, don’t get us wrong, we are all in favor of compromise. As long as it’s the other side doing it. We have no intention of compromising because that would be abandoning our principles. They don’t have principles so it’s shouldn’t be a problem.
“Have we learned our lesson? Yes, we have. We have learned we must fight harder. And never give in. Because repeatedly banging our heads against the wall makes it feel so good when we stop. So we must learn not to stop.
“We do not fight because we think we can win. We do not fight because of ideology. We fight because ... we like to fight. As do our constituents. You should see our town hall meetings. They look like a trauma center emergency room.
“Now? We’re going to purge this party of poseurs and run with folks interested in representing the real America. You know, people exactly like us. You may accuse us of perfecting the circular firing squad. But the circular firing squad turns out to be very useful in eliminating marginal colleagues equipped with insufficient aim.
“And yes, ‘this is going to happen again!’ It’s going to happen every single time purity comes face to face with evil. Anybody who shakes hands with John Boehner or has been photographed hugging John McCain is fair game.
“We have even perfected a test to determine whether you are conservative enough to be an actual Republican. We hold you under water for four minutes and if you don’t die, you are a RINO. Primitive and messy perhaps, but fits us to a Tea.”
• Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world.