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Column

Views: How long has your mom been on TV?

Have you ever heard of this stuff called “snow?” Do you know what it looks like? Do you know that driving in snow is different than driving on dry pavement?

I think most of us know those things. You know who thinks we’ve never heard of snow? Our local TV news team. Or as I call them, our TV Mom.

TV Mom is even more annoying. “When it’s this cold, you should take special precautions like wearing warm clothing, in layers,” she tells us. Then, TV Mom explains that extremely cold temperatures can cause frostbite.

She stands outside in extremely cold weather and demonstrates how cold it is by throwing a boiling pan of water up in the air and watching it turn to ice crystals before it hits the ground.

Later that night, TV Mom reports that several people scalded themselves trying to do the boiling water thing because they had seen Mom do it on TV. It’s OK for highly trained TV Mom News Teams to do this, but not for you or me.

Do you know that when the temperature gets colder, the mercury in the thermometer drops? Did you know that cold weather most often happens in the time of year known as “winter”? Have you heard of this thing called “winter”? TV Mom apparently doesn’t think we’ve ever heard of it. She explained the concept of winter every night for a week. It could only have been more childish if she had given the weather report in Dr. Seuss-like rhymes.

“Will it sleet or will it snow?

Will it hit 23 below?”

Have you ever heard of “wind chill”? TV Mom will explain it. “It will feel like it’s 37 below out there today. If you go outside for 10 seconds, you are risking life and limb,” she says. Then why is it OK for you to be outside reporting this, TV Mom? You look OK. Your hair isn’t even moving in the 60-mph wind.

You’re not scaring me, TV Mom. If I want to go and play outside, you can’t stop me! Stop treating me like a baby, I can get dressed all by myself!

Can you help me tie my shoes?

• Contact Jim Mullen at JimMullenBooks.com.

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